Textbook Situtation

Recently I've been thinking about how and when to introduce the topic of "stranger danger" to Tai.  I've been struggling with how to teach him to stay safe without turning him into a paranoid kid who won't say hello to or look anyone in the eye.  Up until now we've worked hard to get him to be polite to everyone, including the strangers who often come up to us in stores and other places.  And I think it's still fine for him to pass the time of day with folks, as long as Minh or I are there with him.

So the tricky part, for me, has been how to introduce the idea that there are some situations in which you need to be wary, or even rude.  And how to distinguish between those situations and others.  And how to explain why he should not just go chatting with everyone, everywhere we go. 

A friend of mine has recently done lots of research into this topic and gave me some good ideas for how to approach this with a four year old.  I made mental notes of what she found and told myself that rather than sit Tai down and have a forced conversation out of the blue, I'd wait for a relevant situation to present itself. 

Today it did.  Twice.

After school I took the kids to a little market/snack bar for an after school treat.  After we finished our snack, I was wrestling Quynh into her jacket when I looked up and found Tai about 100 feet away, standing next to a booth full of people, animatedly talking to them.  I called him back over to me and, as I zipped up his jacket, I told him that some people are nice and some are not and it's really hard to tell who is and who isn't, and this is why he shouldn't talk to other people unless he has a parent or grandparent with him.  His first question was whether he can talk to his grandparents if I'm not around.  "Yes," I explained, "What I mean to say is that you should not talk to strangers--people you do not know--unless you are with a grown-up that you do know."

Air-tight rule, right?  Not so much.  Tai came back with, "But if I go talk to them then I will know them, because I will have just met them!" I mumbled something under my breath about his ability to circumvent my logic and then found myself being asked to define "loophole."

(Of course, while I was saying all this, Quynh wandered off.) 

Ten minutes later we ran into someone we know, though not that well, over by the lobster tank.  She was beyond delighted to see the kids and chatted with us for longer than most, telling us excitedly that she had her dogs with her, out in the car.  We went our separate ways, but then ended up checking out at the same time, right after Tai, the cashier, and I  picked up the 75 Cadbury creme eggs that Quynh had knocked on the floor.

Our acquaintance asked, since we were heading to the parking lot together, would the kids like to come see her dogs.  Of course they would.  Suddenly I found myself in the prototypical "stranger danger" situation from my childhood.  "Come here, little girl, climb into the back of my van and I'll show you a puppy.  And give you candy.  And chloroform."  This is what I was taught to avoid as a child. 

Anyway, she did not have a giant cargo van and did not offer us candy.  But we did get to see her three large dogs jammed into a small sedan, which was amusing.  And then I had another opportunity to lecture Tai.  As I buckled him into my car I noted what a nice treat it was for him and Quynh to visit with those dogs and how it was OK to do that because (a) we know her and (b) I was with them.  Of course, I explained, we would not go do that with a stranger, and Tai should certainly not go do that with anyone, unless he had a parent with him.

I have no idea how much of it sank it, but I certainly don't think I traumatized him.  I'm not gonna bring it up again immediately, but will wait for other relevant moments to present themselves and then remind him of these new "rules."  I'm just really hoping he does not ask what might happen if he did go talk to a "not-nice-stranger."  I don't have an answer ready for that one.    

This parenting thing is exhausting.