Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My Daughter is Broken

Each night I nurse Quynh and rock her and put her in her crib around 7-7:30pm.

Then she wakes around 8 or 9pm (not long after we've rid ourselves of Tai). I rock her, or nurse her, or sing to her, and she falls asleep in my arms. Then I place her back in her crib. Often, just as she hits the mattress, she snaps awake and starts screaming. So I repeat the process until it "sticks."

It usually only sticks for an hour or so. By that time (1opm-ish?) I'm just about ready for bed, so my heart is no longer really in the fight to get her to stay in the crib. I usually try once more--nursing, rocking, etc., and place her in the crib. If she stays asleep, I hurry off to bed to get some rest before she wakes again. If she starts yelling, I give up and bring her to bed with me (where, inevitably, she falls immediately into a very sound sleep, without even nursing first). The girl just wants to be snuggled.

I can't really complain, because I'm pretty sure I "broke" her.

When Tai was a baby I read all the books and worried endlessly about his sleeping. I kicked him out of our bed at 5 months of age and worked tirelessly to make sure he could put himself to sleep (and back to sleep) in his own crib. There was a 2-week period when he'd wake at night and I committed to not taking him out of the crib, so I'd end up sleeping on the floor of his room, holding his hand through the crib slats so that he'd know I was there and be able to fall back asleep.

With Quynh I either don't care as much or just don't have it in me. When Baby Number Two starts crying at 9pm, not only am I more tired than I was during Tai's babyhood, but I also have to worry that she'll wake her brother if I let her "cry it out." But that's mostly an excuse. I'm just not able to let my babies cry. Never have been (hence the sleeping on Tai's floor for 2 weeks).

Everything started out the same. I kicked Quynh out of the bed at 5 months, putting her to sleep in her crib. But then I was all too happy to bring her into the bed when she woke to nurse. That first wake-up used to be at 2am. Then it was at midnight. Then at 10pm. And, now, it's at 8pm. There go my evenings.

The trouble all seems to have started when cold/flu season and teething hit at the same moment. When her wake-ups started coming earlier and more frequently I'd make endless excuses for her:
"She's sick this week and needs extra snuggles."
"She's all stuffy and needs to sleep in our bed, propped up on pillows."
"She's teething."
"She's teething again.
"She's still teething." (Where are the damn teeth?)

So now she's broken and I can't decide what to do. Part of me wants to "fix" her and part of me is just fine with the way things are. I mean, I get to *snuggle* a soft, warm baby all night long and I don't have to get out of bed when she wants to nurse! But I also no longer have the evening to myself and I fear getting up and taking a shower in the morning because I worry she'll wake and crawl right off my side of the bed (Minh is a very sound sleeper -- I have emerged from the shower to find him snoring and Quynh *standing* in the bed pawing at the paintings hanging above the headboard!)

I think we all know I probably won't do anything. I don't have it in me to let her cry, or sleep on her floor. And I'm not ready to run out and buy bed rails and declare us the official Family Bed type of folks. I'm going to keep blaming the teeth and hope it all works out. (And you can all laugh at me when I post again about the 3-year-old girl who won't sleep in her own bed.)

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